Introduction
Migration is not merely a geographical relocation; it is an emotional and psychological transformation that reshapes identity, belonging, and family dynamics. For immigrant parents, the journey involves more than adapting to a new language or job market it means redefining what it means to be a “good parent” in an unfamiliar cultural context.
Research in immigrant psychology (Birman & Simon, 2014) shows that beyond material challenges, families face deep emotional tensions resulting from cultural dissonance between generations. Parents who grew up in a collectivist society, where obedience and interdependence were moral values, may now raise children in a culture that prizes autonomy and emotional expression. This clash can leave both sides feeling misunderstood, disconnected, or even ashamed of their differences.
In such contexts, attachment theory becomes a vital framework for understanding how families can preserve emotional security across changing cultural landscapes.
The Double Role of Parents in a New Culture
Immigrant parents often find themselves straddling two worlds: one defined by the traditions and values of their homeland, and another by the individualistic norms of the host country. This duality can create a profound sense of internal conflict.
For example, a mother from a Middle Eastern background may equate respect with silence and compliance, while her child’s school in Canada encourages “critical thinking” and open disagreement. What feels like healthy independence to one culture may look like rebellion to another. Parents may oscillate between pride in their child’s confidence and guilt for “losing control.”
Daniel Siegel (2020) describes such conflicts as moments where “integration” holding multiple truths simultaneously becomes essential. A secure parent does not have to choose between cultures; instead, they learn to translate emotional values from one world to another. The key question becomes: How can I protect the essence of my culture while allowing my child to grow freely in theirs?
Separation Anxiety, Loneliness, and Emotional Regulation
Migration, from a neurobiological perspective, activates the body’s stress systems in prolonged ways. Studies in developmental resilience (Masten, 2018) show that parents who migrate without strong social networks experience chronic activation of cortisol and anxiety pathways. They may appear functional on the outside working, learning English, managing daily life but internally live with ongoing alertness and emotional fatigue.
Children, who rely on their parents’ nervous systems for co-regulation, absorb these emotional signals unconsciously. A child may become clingy, easily startled, or overly anxious about separation mirroring the parent’s internal uncertainty. Allan Schore (2012) notes that “a child’s right brain grows in response to the caregiver’s face; when that face is worried, the child’s brain learns fear.”
Therefore, one of the most powerful gifts immigrant parents can give their children is self-regulation. When parents acknowledge their own stress rather than suppress it, they model resilience, authenticity, and self-compassion.
Language and Emotional Connection
Language is more than a communication tool; it is the emotional bridge between generations. In many immigrant families, children acquire the new language faster than their parents and gradually become interpreters of words, systems, and even emotions.
This phenomenon, often referred to as linguistic parentification, shifts family power dynamics. The child becomes the cultural navigator, while the parent may feel inadequate or dependent. Over time, this imbalance can erode the natural hierarchy that children need to feel safe.
Moreover, language shapes the way emotions are expressed. A parent who cannot find the right words in English may sound detached or indifferent, even when feeling love or worry. The child, fluent in the host language, may interpret this as coldness. What appears to be emotional distance is, in fact, a linguistic wound a gap between hearts struggling to find a shared tongue.
Healing begins when families honor both languages. Speaking one’s mother tongue at home does not hinder integration; it strengthens identity and preserves a sense of continuity amid change.
Intergenerational Trauma in Bicultural Families
Research on intergenerational trauma (Yehuda et al., 2016) reveals that emotional pain can be passed down biologically and behaviorally. Immigrant parents often carry unresolved grief for the homeland left behind, the family they miss, or the identity they once had. These unprocessed emotions do not disappear; they echo through the family system.
A child may internalize this grief as guilt (“I made my parents suffer”) or responsibility (“I must succeed in justifying their sacrifice”). Some children, especially the empathetic ones, take on a parental role to protect their parents from sadness or failure in a form of role reversal that burdens them emotionally.
For attachment-based parenting, the first step in breaking this cycle is awareness. Parents must attend to their own emotional wounds before expecting harmony in the family. As Siegel (2012) reminds us, “we cannot give what we do not have self-regulation, empathy, and presence must first be cultivated within the parent.”
Bridging Two Worlds Through Secure Attachment
Immigrant parents often fear that if they allow too much adaptation to the host culture, their children will “forget their roots.” But secure attachment teaches us that identity does not require exclusion. A child who feels emotionally connected to their parents can comfortably explore multiple cultural worlds without losing themselves.
The bridge between two cultures is built not by control but by curiosity. Instead of policing differences, attachment-based parents invite dialogue:
- “What do you like about this culture?”
- “What do you miss from ours?”
- “What feels confusing between the two?”
These simple, non-judgmental questions validate the child’s internal world and create emotional integration. The goal is not to raise “Canadian” or “Iranian” children — but to raise children who feel seen, safe, and secure, regardless of cultural context.
Reconstructing the Emotional Home
Ultimately, migration is a lesson in impermanence and adaptation. Homes can be rebuilt, but emotional safety must be re-anchored. A secure home is not defined by walls or passports, but by the consistent presence of attuned relationships.
When parents cultivate self-awareness and emotional flexibility, children internalize a sense of security that transcends geography. Even when everything around them changes the language, the food, the weather the child still feels I belong. I am safe with my parents.
Parenting in migration, therefore, becomes an act of reconstruction rebuilding not only one’s life, but also the emotional home within which both generations can grow.
References
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
- Siegel, D. (2012). The Developing Mind.
- Schore, A. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy.
- Masten, A. (2018). Resilience in Developmental Psychology.
- Yehuda, , et al. (2016). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects.
- Birman, , & Simon, C. D. (2014). Acculturation and family functioning in immigrant families.
